Just a feeling

Do you know how it feels like to lie down and have your 2 year old son suddenly jump onto your chest? Well, multiply that by a hundred. That is how it feels. Almost.

And it doesn't easily go away.

It remains.
Making it difficult to get out of bed.
Making it difficult to speak.
Making it difficult for me to do anything.

But I go through the motion, everyday, without fail.
I wake up when the alarm goes off, get her ready for school, get ready for work, do my reports as expected, come home as soon as I can, crawl into bed at times and sit with a mug of coffee sometimes with absolutely no thoughts.
I do what is expected of me and help when it isn't expected of me.
And the heaviness remains, throughout the day and throughout the night.

No one suspects anything.
I think about how I would speak if I were to feel normal and do that.
I think about how I would behave if I were to feel normal and do that too.
I laugh at the appropriate time, go for lunch with my colleagues and say the right things.

If someone says "You look tired", I would be ready with an answer...
"Couldn't sleep last night", "son was awake most of the night", "I''m not feeling well".
People would automatically and invariably assume that when we say "unwell", it is always the physical well-being we are talking about.

It is not the stress at work nor at home.
There is no causative factor that you can put your finger on.
It is just being.
Just this way.

I will come out of this I often tell myself. And I do. Eventually.
Till the time it happens again, that heaviness on my chest that renders me helpless, immobile, and makes me question my being.

My son jumps onto my chest. I wish he would jump harder and mask this heaviness I feel deep within.
How many cycles of this does it take to heal?